I recently broke up with my boyfriend. So far it’s been about 2 weeks, I’m still not sure what to make of it. I knew months before that I will not be able to visit certain places, not because I plan to avoid him, it’s more along the lines: I won’t be able to get there without him. Sometimes, I saw that it was a nice addition to have him in my life, but then I really add things up, without him was always better. I don’t know why it took me 2 years to realized nothing we were matched on any level. Hobbies? No. Music? No. Life Goals? No. There’s really nothing that I can think of that were on the same level, nothing that wasn’t superficial. When I finally had the balls to end things, he didn’t understand why, which I can kind of get. The person that’s been given the bad news is usually left in the dark, and the break up comes as a surprise to them, as it does not to the person giving the bad news. But if someone were a fly on the wall of our relationship, and from an objective view, I believe they are see that this break up was long overdue. We fought before we got into a relationship, when we got into a relationship, at the beginning of the relationship (where every other couple would usually have what they call the honeymoon phase, we never had that) basically we fought (or had agreements) throughout the entire relationship.

You(don’t) know the funny thing is, what kick started/light under my ass/gave me balls to finally break up with him, was the The Hunger Games series. Lol, why you might ask? Well it’s cause after reading the trilogy, I realized I wanted a guy like Peeta, someone that will love me unconditionally ( which I know is crazy to wish for in a guy, especially right off the bat) and I didn’t think he was that guy. Everything that I did or didn’t do, didn’t satisfy him. He wanted a type of girlfriend or future wife that wasn’t me at all! I don’t know why he couldn’t see that for himself. The other part that also clued me in was the fact that I got into the whole Hunger Games crazy and he had no idea, mainly because I didn’t want/care to tell him, not that he would have cared or noticed even if I did directly tell him in the face.

There were many little things that he did that bothered me, and they weren’t things I could overlook anymore, and I never saw them as “cute little quirks” as most would categorize in the early stages of a relationship. And I guess one of the biggest thing that bothered me, was the fact that he always had an excuse or a reason why to something. I bothers me the most cause in the beginning of it, I didn’t realized it. If he was late(most of the time) his estimation of arrival would never be accurate, and it’s not because he can’t tell the differences between 5 mins or 10mins, it’s cause he thinks by telling me the lesser time, I wouldn’t get mad. (one of the many reasons I know that till this day he doesn’t know me well enough) or example would be no actual knowledge based or research or deeper-look-into-it based. We both received summons for a stupid reason and he said he’ll just paid the summons and that it’ll go away. I didn’t agree cause based on the internet(that I googled right after we got the stupid paper) it said paying meant that you were guilty and although it might be a easy way out now, it might get you later on in life, and he didn’t believe or listen to me.

Apart of me feels doomed on finding out who my future husband or the father of my children. Maybe what him said about me not being affectionate is going to bite me in the ass real hard someday. And I thought about this a few minute ago, and yes it’s true, it’s probably cause the way that I was raised. My parents and my brother, there’s no “show love” environment at all, this wasn’t something I noticed when I was younger or something I want to be fixed. There’s nothing to be done now cause of the years that alrdy have went by and that there’s nothing bad about what we have. I’ve only realized 2/3 years ago that my mother is a pretty liberal chinese parents, and that as useless I am now, there’s no (at least not much pressure for me to marry only chinese or become a doctor) pressure. And the reason I had disagreements with him about who’s in charge of the household is cause how my mother is. She is one smart and tough woman, half of the time annoying and chatty, but she did raise my brother and I, while working full-time and I believe there’s no other gender to run the household with.

I truly hope in the future, I’m able to find a guy that has my back, someone that is willing to deal with me, all while at the same knowing which fights to fights and which to left me win. someone that can have plan b ready when plan a doesn’t work out. someone that can inspire me to become my best, and someone that understands my love isn’t something obvious but subtle and by then, I really hope they can love me unconditionally like the boy with the bread <3